It's really simple...Once you get it

What is that phrase supposed to mean anyway? Is that supposed to help my current situation in the lack of understanding I seem to experience when it comes to the study of life? Biology is apparently the study of life, living things. I hate it. I have never been so frustrated with something in my whole life. Even when you are in school and you say, "I hate this", it doesn't even compare with the negative emotion I feel toward biology.
So, it doesn't help when my teacher answers my repetitive questions along with the scrunched up confused look on my face with a..."It's really simple, once you understand it." Ya so I guess if I never understand it (which I DO NOT) then it is not simple (which is IS NOT).
I also see how I am completely an English girl, I even said in biology today, "if I were to compare grasping this concept like grasping something with my hands, I only have my pinky finger barely touching it." My lab partner said I should be a philosophy major. I would probably love philosophy then, as long as it has nothing to do with genetics, reproduction, photosenthesis...blah blah blah. I don't mind learning about things even if they are hard, but this is beyond the "hard" this is just completely in another language. If I were to read a sign in Hebrew I could probably understand that better than my biology book.
I am going to try my best though. I think I have come to accept that if I get a C it will be a miracle. If I get an F, well, I can say that I paid hundreds of dollars to learn that I will NEVER want to be anything that has to do with biology. I can also say I learned that if you don't get it, then it's not simple.

Desperation 500 times...

I love them. I think about them all the time. I talk to my friends about them. I often think, "That would be a good one!" Sometimes when I am frustrated I think I should make one. But most of the time I like to see other peoples'. I like when they are deep, and I like when they are funny. Can you guess what it is???

Process Cheese

I looked up process in the dictionary, there are four definitions, none of them makes any sense. So next on the list is process cheese: a cheese made by blending several lots of cheese. Needless to say, this doesn't help me. Except that I didn't know you can have "several lots" of something. I feel several lots of feelings.
Where do I begin? What do I say? How do I feel....
I sometimes feel so disconnected. I feel disconnected with myself, my friends, my family. I know I do it myself, I am afraid to feel. I think if I tell someone what I feel in my heart, even Jesus, my heart will crumble; or implode. There's always those imaginary lines (at least for me) where I can only go so far with someone, and then I can't share anymore. There is also those people who don't have the line, and they share everything. It's all out there, and usually I don't know what to say. I hate feeling awkward and uncomfortable. But most of all I hate being irrelevant. When your feelings are just out there, so vulnerable, and there is nothing to relate them to. Or even worse, they have not point. Why do I always think things have to be validated? The worst is comparison; I find myself comparing how I feel with others. For example, "what so & so's family is going through is much worse than me, so why do I feel so sad?" Then it seems good to be alone. Why do we insist on having "alone time"? I mean, is it really healthy? Sometimes I don't know. It seems when I am prompted the most to do this "alone time" it ends up making me feel crazy or feel like I am wasting time.
Que sera, sera. Oh, some day, this will all be gone, but until then, enjoy the process...Or the process cheese...Whatever your preference.

Background Music

I was walking across the UNO campus today (for the third time mind you), and the sunset made the clouds look gorgeous, soft billowing pink and burning fiery orange. The scene was just behind the ol' clock tower, and the air was crisp and cool. It was the perfect first day of Fall. It was about the time not many are still on campus, so it was just me walking with the One whom my souls loves. Do you ever have a snap shot moment in your day? I haven't had many lately, running from here to there, but today I had it.

When those picture perfect moments arrive, I pick my background music. It's like the part in the movie where it's a close up of the actor thinking about something critical, like this is the turning point, and they play the song that goes so well with what the actor must be thinking.
My background music for this evening was "Breakdown" by good ol' Jack.

I hope this old train breaks down

Then I could take a walk around

See what there is to see, Time is just a melody

With all the people in the street walking as fast as their feet

Can take them, I just roll through town

Though my windows got a veiw, well the fame I'm looking through

Seems to have no concern for now

So for now, I I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown

Well this engine screams out loud, centipede going to crawl westbound

So I don’t even make a sound cause it’s going to sting me when I leave this town

And all the people in the street that I’ll never get to meet

If these tracks don’t bend somehow

And I got no time that I got to get to where I don’t need to be

So I I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown

I want to break on down But I can’t stop now

Let me break on down

But you can’t stop nothing if you got no control

Of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know

That you don’t know nothing but you don’t need to know

The wisdom’s in the trees not the glass windows

You can’t stop wishing if you don’t let go

Of the things that you find and you lose and you know

You keep on rolling, put the moment on hold

Because the frame’s too bright, so put the blinds down low

I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown

I got to break on down But I can't stop now

I definately relate to this song. I know it is what I need. I have so many things trapped inside me, I feel like I am pushing, stuffing, holding it all in. It might break, it might fall, but I don't know how to let it go. I don't want to be so concentrated on the facts or the essentials that I miss the full experience of this moment. I need to give it up, I need to process, not just acknowledge things. I don't even know how to 'process', (what exactly is the definition of that word anyway?) "Oh please just let me please breakdown!"

Thank YOU :)

Thank You for your undeserved favor in my life.

Thank You for your never ending, never failing, never forsaking love. You can move me.

Thank You for your faithfulness to your promise that you will hear us.

Thank You that my dad is getting better and you are continuing to heal him.

Thank You for giving me grace for school.

Thank You for changing my life; for calling me out of the pit of emptiness.

Thank You for your kind words to me. "everything is gonna be OK."

Thank You that I can know you and you know me, and I can know what it means to be in love.

Thank You for understanding me.

Thank You for all the hidden blessings I take for granit.

Thank You for the most amazing friends in the world!

iSoy Nica y Que!

Just returned from Nicaragua. I of course loved it. I loved every part (well I won't exaggerate too much, I didn't exactly love to shovel dirt...) I loved seeing the church down there and my Nica family. I was so encouraged by going. God is on the move all over the world. People are being healed, people are being set free in His name, people are falling more in love with the Bridegroom. It is amazing to see it, and I am so thankful and honored to be a part of His plan for these precious Nicas.
It's a land that is full of life. You can see it in the landscape. Lush green big jungles that go on for miles, smoky, tall volcanoes, and blue (some black) lakes that go on for miles where you swear it is really the ocean. The people are full of energy always walking, riding bikes and horses, always greeting, "Adio" or "Buena". I miss it already. I am changed by living there, I am changed by going there even for 9 days. It doesn't make sense to me how a place so different can seem so familiar, but Nicaragua will always be home to me.