I have a confession...

Tis the season... for lights, wrapping paper, giving food, holiday drinks, ginger snaps, coat drives, coldness, ugly socks, and last but not least, giving. Some of these things I like or they are not a problem for me. Because lights...well they are just hung, and food...it's always good, but the giving can be rough.
I am not talking about gifts, I love that part. I am talking about one certain inevitable sound that hits you after you have spent all your money, and you are about to head out into the blistering cold when you hear the sound...the dinging bell people for Salvation Army. It is the only time in my life, I have not been a cheerful giver. I, in fact, am so defiant that I try to not give. I say in my head, "just look away, try to act like you don't hear." But being the nice polite person I am, I have to respond back when they say "hi" and "God bless you" so then I am sucked into the vacuum of guilt, until I finally reach in and put money in the bucket. I hate it. I am in no way giving out of the goodness of my heart, I am completely giving out of guilt. I feel guilty that this person is standing here where it is cold and telling me "God bless you" as I go in and spend my money on crap. I feel guilty to respond back and say hi without giving, and even worse if I were to not say anything and not give. Plus, I just hear condemnation all over saying, "Aren't you a Christian and all, give give give!!!!" Ya, it's probably not healthy. But what do you do? I try to be a rebellious giver and NOT give, but I can't. I am too afraid they will yell, "You are horrible!" or "She didn't give and look at all her bags!" as I walk by.
I don't even know anything about the Salvation Army. I am pretty sure they aren't actually an "army". I don't know where my money is going, and yet I am forced to give it all the time! I am a sure it's a great organization and all, I am probably a big jerk for hating the bell ringers. (I don't hate the people just the guilt bell and condemnation bucket).
Maybe it's not Salvation Army's problem, maybe it's mine. I should probably look into that.
Until next time, MERRY CHRISTMAS! GOD BLESS YOU! even if you don't give!!!

Amaglamation Of Words

I have a new love. It is English. I love words. I love grammar. It's all fascinating to me. It is so freeing to write and let out my feelings. I love to write and I love to read, where you read about a subject that is written with depth and feeling with BIG words that you have to look in the dictionary. Oh I LOVE the dictionary. It's exhilarating to read words that when you look up the definition it sums up what can be said in one paragraph. OH, words...how I love thee!

Here is a little song that makes me take deep breaths and close my eyes....

What can i do with my obsession?
with the things i cannot see
is there madness in my being
is it the wind that blows the trees?

sometimes you're further than the moon
sometimes you're closer than my skin
and you surround me like a winter fog
you've come and burned me with a kiss

and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns

and i'm so filthy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
you know i'm stubborn God and
i'm longing to be close
you burn me deeper than i know

i feel lonely without hope
i feel desperate without vision
you wrap around me like a winter coat
youcome and free me like a bird

and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns for you.

Thanksgiving Day With the Family

Now this is just a hilarious picture...I love Katie's face!
















Nebraska is #1 ~ (for today!)

Here is all the Ehrenberg cousins!

Me, Katie, and Julia

HAPPY THANKS GIVING TO ALL!!!!

The Process...

The End!

I Miss Carla!

This was our first and only mission trip together. I hope it wasn't the last! (I don't think she will like this picture.)







This is a snowy day last winter.
It was supposed to be a picture showing the snow up to our knees, but the photographer was a little slow that day.





Eating at Fazzoli's; (notice the bibs) this was the last thing I did with my Best Friend before she left to change the world.

You Are What You Hate

America is a crazy crazy place. I don't know if I have a right opinion about it. I guess, I am constantly in a battle to defend it to myself. I constantly say "I hate america" knowing that I shouldn't. I should love the freedom of religion, the smell of fresh cut grass, and the kids with lap tops. I should be thankful for the copious amounts of shopping malls, filled with tags in the t-shirts from places like Bangladesh. Wonder who made it? I wonder how old they were? I should love the american people with their SUVs, the attitudes that say, "cell phone conversations are more important than the stupid kid behind the counter." A place that prides itself in being the richest nation on the earth; and yet, we still have people who freeze to death from lack of a warm place to sleep. A place that defines my life by what the ad campaigns say, "Diamonds = Love". A love that cost millions their lives and limbs. america that says, "we would help you, but what do you have to offer us?" Man, I wish I could love this place. I feel like I don't even like it enough to want to change it. There is so much negativity about this place; it's ironic. "Fast food generation, imperialism, capitalism, %50 of marriages end in divorce, tyrant, exploitation, materialistic" these are all things that have been used to describe america. But with all this, I am american. I will always be...kind of. What am I going to do with it? I have no idea. So....the moral is, you are what you hate.

Being Honest...

I want to be set apart. I would like to hang out all the time. I want to be different. I like to shop at the Gap. I want to be normal. I want to love my neighbor. I can't love the rude customer. I want to preach till everyone knows Jesus. I want to go to third world countries. I want to give all I have to the poor. I want to wear nice clothes. I am sick of compromise.
Frustration overwhelms me lately. I pray, I forgive, I analyze, I listen, but I can't forget what I've heard. "You have been bought with a price. Do not become slaves of men." 1 Corinthians 7:23

Can these things co-exist? Can I be of both worlds? Can I continue to exploit people? Do I believe I can make a difference? Or do I just settle cause it looks good? Why am I so frustrated?
"What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. You adulteress, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God." James 4:1-4.

I am jealous of those who live life like it's nothing, they don't get stressed out, they make decisions based on their feelings. At school, everyone is doing whatever they want. In the world, everyone lives life like the movies, just having fun doing whatever feels good, all the while ripping their heart out. Numbing the pain, but they don't want to talk about it.
I often think I want that, for some reason, I get caught up in the simplicity of just living for the moment. Jealousy rages war with in me. Why can't I just go out and do what ever I want? Be "happy go lucky" fake, no responsibilities, no regrets, no enemies because I live to please everyone. But no, I want something better. I believe there is something better.

I know I've given my entire life to Jesus, I know Him, He's completely changed me. Washed me clean, and forgiven me. Is that it? Or is there more? Do I settle for mediocre life? Do I settle for "I got to say the word 'Jesus' today to some of my friends." Or is it true what the bible says, "These signs will accompany those who have believed: in My name they will cast out demons, they will speak in new tongues, they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover." Mark 16:18

Yes I am frustrated. How long will I sit and let fear, boredom, apathy, confusion, and the spirit of this age draw me away from the passionate love, power, and ever fulfilling life Giver? I still don't know what to do, or how to respond. I know my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few. I don't want to go alone, but at least I know I will never have too.

Background

such trivial outings

in the grand scheme of things

just selfish pleasures

in a world of sufferings

the whole world at your fingers

and what do you have to show

shoes, opinions, and desires

that only dim the afterglow

it sits, waiting for the grasp

of anyone willing to trust

anyone willing to ask

trepidation grips me

it's all hidden inside

dreams, hopes, failures

it's more than just to try

it's more than a want

it aches in my bones

screaming at my conscience

taunting my heart

it exists in the background

of the insignificant hearsay