The answer to my insanity lies with Donald Miller....

(all written by Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts)
My life, this gift I have been given, has been wasted, thus far, attempting to answer meaningless questions. Recently I have come to believe there are more important questions than how questions: how do I get money, how do I get laid, how do I become happy, how do I have fun?

What does all of this mean? Are we animals nesting? Are we rats in one giant cage, none of us able to think outside our instincts? And does my faith live within these instincts, always getting me to my happiness, or is it larger, explaining the why of life, the how a shallow afterthought?

Sometimes I admire people who don't ask why questions, who only want to know the how of life: How do I get paid, how do I get a wife, how do I make myself happy, whatever. The why path isn't so rewarding, if you think about it: Why are we here, why do we feel what we feel, desire what we desire, need what we need, hate what we hate?

I saw this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon once that had Calvins teacher asking the class to turn in their homework. Calvin raised his hand and asked why we exist. The teacher told Calvin not to change the subject but to turn in his homework, and what difference does it make anyway? Calvin leaned back in his chair and mumbled to himself that the answer to the question determined whether or not turning in his homework was important in the first place. I think that is what I am talking about here, about needing the answer to the former question before the latter becomes important, about why questions determining whether how questions are important.

And that is what I mean by admiring people who don't think about the why questions, because they can just get a job, a big house, a trophy wife, and do whatever they want and never ask if it is connected to anything, whether their how is validated by their why.

Point being: I AM A WHY PERSON!!!

INSPIRATION IS IN THE DESERT...

I am inspired by the ways that the Person that made the universe continues to show me ways of thinking that are different from what I think is normal. I am consistently consumed with a narrow-mindedness that is killing me and those around me. I have such big impending possibilities that are all around me. Growing in this fertile land can be overwhelming. Living where everything is expected of you and anything less than taking advantage of the best is a waste.
But what if it isn’t a waste. What if some are meant to just chill and look around? Somehow, we subsist by doing what is predictable; living in the norm. Even if it means the norm of those in your church. I mean, I have talked with people, and most want to be different, “I want to make a difference in this world,” but we all just hang out, go shopping, go to work, “do whatchya gotta do” I guess. I know that I can’t handle it all.
Well, I think I need a change. In a book I am reading, he says…
“The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God’s way. Everybody has to change, or they expire. I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.”

I Got Soul But I'm Not A Soldier....

PSALM 62: 5-8

My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my stength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart to Him;
God is a refuge for us.

IF

If I didn't speak, would You hear me?
If I didn't believe, would You pray for me?
If I didn't feel, would You hug me?
If I didn't answer, would You call me?
If I didn't listen, would You speak anyway?
If I didn't move, would You give up on me?
If I didn't hear, would You choose someone else?
If I didn't care, would You ignore me?
If I was broken, would You step on me?
If I didn't remember, would You forget me?
If I didn't notice, would You pursue me?
If I didn't dream, would You desire me?
If I hated, would You love me?
If I frowned, would You like me?
If I tried, would You laugh?
"Keep me, won't You....Keep me."

It's Cold Out There....

So Bundle Up!!!

I have a confession...

Tis the season... for lights, wrapping paper, giving food, holiday drinks, ginger snaps, coat drives, coldness, ugly socks, and last but not least, giving. Some of these things I like or they are not a problem for me. Because lights...well they are just hung, and food...it's always good, but the giving can be rough.
I am not talking about gifts, I love that part. I am talking about one certain inevitable sound that hits you after you have spent all your money, and you are about to head out into the blistering cold when you hear the sound...the dinging bell people for Salvation Army. It is the only time in my life, I have not been a cheerful giver. I, in fact, am so defiant that I try to not give. I say in my head, "just look away, try to act like you don't hear." But being the nice polite person I am, I have to respond back when they say "hi" and "God bless you" so then I am sucked into the vacuum of guilt, until I finally reach in and put money in the bucket. I hate it. I am in no way giving out of the goodness of my heart, I am completely giving out of guilt. I feel guilty that this person is standing here where it is cold and telling me "God bless you" as I go in and spend my money on crap. I feel guilty to respond back and say hi without giving, and even worse if I were to not say anything and not give. Plus, I just hear condemnation all over saying, "Aren't you a Christian and all, give give give!!!!" Ya, it's probably not healthy. But what do you do? I try to be a rebellious giver and NOT give, but I can't. I am too afraid they will yell, "You are horrible!" or "She didn't give and look at all her bags!" as I walk by.
I don't even know anything about the Salvation Army. I am pretty sure they aren't actually an "army". I don't know where my money is going, and yet I am forced to give it all the time! I am a sure it's a great organization and all, I am probably a big jerk for hating the bell ringers. (I don't hate the people just the guilt bell and condemnation bucket).
Maybe it's not Salvation Army's problem, maybe it's mine. I should probably look into that.
Until next time, MERRY CHRISTMAS! GOD BLESS YOU! even if you don't give!!!

Amaglamation Of Words

I have a new love. It is English. I love words. I love grammar. It's all fascinating to me. It is so freeing to write and let out my feelings. I love to write and I love to read, where you read about a subject that is written with depth and feeling with BIG words that you have to look in the dictionary. Oh I LOVE the dictionary. It's exhilarating to read words that when you look up the definition it sums up what can be said in one paragraph. OH, words...how I love thee!

Here is a little song that makes me take deep breaths and close my eyes....

What can i do with my obsession?
with the things i cannot see
is there madness in my being
is it the wind that blows the trees?

sometimes you're further than the moon
sometimes you're closer than my skin
and you surround me like a winter fog
you've come and burned me with a kiss

and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns

and i'm so filthy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
you know i'm stubborn God and
i'm longing to be close
you burn me deeper than i know

i feel lonely without hope
i feel desperate without vision
you wrap around me like a winter coat
youcome and free me like a bird

and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns for you.

Thanksgiving Day With the Family

Now this is just a hilarious picture...I love Katie's face!
















Nebraska is #1 ~ (for today!)

Here is all the Ehrenberg cousins!

Me, Katie, and Julia

HAPPY THANKS GIVING TO ALL!!!!

The Process...

The End!

I Miss Carla!

This was our first and only mission trip together. I hope it wasn't the last! (I don't think she will like this picture.)







This is a snowy day last winter.
It was supposed to be a picture showing the snow up to our knees, but the photographer was a little slow that day.





Eating at Fazzoli's; (notice the bibs) this was the last thing I did with my Best Friend before she left to change the world.

You Are What You Hate

America is a crazy crazy place. I don't know if I have a right opinion about it. I guess, I am constantly in a battle to defend it to myself. I constantly say "I hate america" knowing that I shouldn't. I should love the freedom of religion, the smell of fresh cut grass, and the kids with lap tops. I should be thankful for the copious amounts of shopping malls, filled with tags in the t-shirts from places like Bangladesh. Wonder who made it? I wonder how old they were? I should love the american people with their SUVs, the attitudes that say, "cell phone conversations are more important than the stupid kid behind the counter." A place that prides itself in being the richest nation on the earth; and yet, we still have people who freeze to death from lack of a warm place to sleep. A place that defines my life by what the ad campaigns say, "Diamonds = Love". A love that cost millions their lives and limbs. america that says, "we would help you, but what do you have to offer us?" Man, I wish I could love this place. I feel like I don't even like it enough to want to change it. There is so much negativity about this place; it's ironic. "Fast food generation, imperialism, capitalism, %50 of marriages end in divorce, tyrant, exploitation, materialistic" these are all things that have been used to describe america. But with all this, I am american. I will always be...kind of. What am I going to do with it? I have no idea. So....the moral is, you are what you hate.

Being Honest...

I want to be set apart. I would like to hang out all the time. I want to be different. I like to shop at the Gap. I want to be normal. I want to love my neighbor. I can't love the rude customer. I want to preach till everyone knows Jesus. I want to go to third world countries. I want to give all I have to the poor. I want to wear nice clothes. I am sick of compromise.
Frustration overwhelms me lately. I pray, I forgive, I analyze, I listen, but I can't forget what I've heard. "You have been bought with a price. Do not become slaves of men." 1 Corinthians 7:23

Can these things co-exist? Can I be of both worlds? Can I continue to exploit people? Do I believe I can make a difference? Or do I just settle cause it looks good? Why am I so frustrated?
"What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. You adulteress, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God." James 4:1-4.

I am jealous of those who live life like it's nothing, they don't get stressed out, they make decisions based on their feelings. At school, everyone is doing whatever they want. In the world, everyone lives life like the movies, just having fun doing whatever feels good, all the while ripping their heart out. Numbing the pain, but they don't want to talk about it.
I often think I want that, for some reason, I get caught up in the simplicity of just living for the moment. Jealousy rages war with in me. Why can't I just go out and do what ever I want? Be "happy go lucky" fake, no responsibilities, no regrets, no enemies because I live to please everyone. But no, I want something better. I believe there is something better.

I know I've given my entire life to Jesus, I know Him, He's completely changed me. Washed me clean, and forgiven me. Is that it? Or is there more? Do I settle for mediocre life? Do I settle for "I got to say the word 'Jesus' today to some of my friends." Or is it true what the bible says, "These signs will accompany those who have believed: in My name they will cast out demons, they will speak in new tongues, they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover." Mark 16:18

Yes I am frustrated. How long will I sit and let fear, boredom, apathy, confusion, and the spirit of this age draw me away from the passionate love, power, and ever fulfilling life Giver? I still don't know what to do, or how to respond. I know my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few. I don't want to go alone, but at least I know I will never have too.

Background

such trivial outings

in the grand scheme of things

just selfish pleasures

in a world of sufferings

the whole world at your fingers

and what do you have to show

shoes, opinions, and desires

that only dim the afterglow

it sits, waiting for the grasp

of anyone willing to trust

anyone willing to ask

trepidation grips me

it's all hidden inside

dreams, hopes, failures

it's more than just to try

it's more than a want

it aches in my bones

screaming at my conscience

taunting my heart

it exists in the background

of the insignificant hearsay

Thoughts of the Day...

I haven't laughed for a long time. I mean really laughed. Laughed so hard I cried.

I miss my best friend, she is out there, changing the world...Living her dreams. I miss her.

Jesus is so good! My dad feels pretty good today (after radiation) and he doesn't have to do Chemo, only give himself shots for a year! Praise God!!!

I wonder how the culture in heaven will be? I mean every tribe, nation, and tongue all together praising Jesus, so I wonder what parts of our cultures will be redeemed or if it will all just mesh together? What parts of our culture will be different or just gone? Probably shopping and T.V.... ya definitely. ;)

Why do I make everything so complicated? I mean really, just take it as it comes. But no I have to take it, analyze it, figure out the history of it, decide what I think about it, and state my opinion about it. See what God says about it, see what others think about it. Then it rolls around in my brian over and over until I feel I've sincerely dealt with it. ("it" does not necessarily mean anything in particular, just anything that I deal with in my everyday life pretty much.)

Why do we have to always "like" someone? I mean seriously. And why if you don't "like" someone, does everyone have someone for you to like? As if you didn't think of them...."Oh ya you're right, I forgot about him. Ok I like him now." C'mon, I hope it's more than that!

Why do I have to pay for classes I don't want to take?

I really like salad. I like lots of vegetables. I wish I had a salad now.

ok, I am done now.

The Future of Modesty

I am read this essay for class, and it was really good! I thought I would share some...And girls be sure to share it with the world!!!

But is our current interest in modesty and codes of conduct just a craze, or will today's young women succeed in changing the cultural climate? I think we may succeed, because there is enough dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs, as well as a recognition that the revolution our parents engineered hasn't worked. The most common complaint I hear from women my age is that there is no longer any "dating scene". Young people go out in packs, they drink, they "hook up," and the next day life returns to normal. I supposed you could find much depression in this behavior---for starters, that there is not even a pretense of anticipation of a love that will last forever in the cold expression, "to hook up"--- but there is also a lot about this behavior that should give us hope, and that is the fact that all of them have to drink to do it.
They aren't drinking wine to begin a delightful conversation. They are drinking beer and hard liquor to get drunk---precisely to cut of delightful conversation and get "right to the point," as it were. That is the advertised purpose of most college parties, and this kind of drinking is really quite a stark admission: that in fact we realize we are not just like the lower animals, that our romantic longings and hopes should inform our most intimate actions, and that if the prevailing wisdom decrees "hook ups" don't matter, that sex is "no big deal," than we must numb ourselves in order to go through with it. Thus we pay tribute to the importance of modesty by the very lengths to which we must go to stifle it.
We are all modest already, deep down---because we are human---we just need to stop drinking so much, get off our Prozac, and come out of the closet about it. Like Modesty Anonymous. I am writing because I see so much unhappiness around me, so many women settling for less, because I don't want to settle for less and because I don't think you should have to, either. I don't' want to have sex because "I guess" I want it. I want to wait for something more exciting than that, and modesty helps me understand why.

by Wendy Shalit

The essay is a lot longer, but these were some of the highlights. I think it is so important to stand out for modesty in our generation. Let other girls know they aren't the only ones who have those feelings of discontentment, or feeling trapped into the ways our society defines "normal" as having as many "hook ups" as possible. And then being left with that utter feeling of emptiness and defeat after you give in to all those lies. So don't be afraid to speak out, even if it's deemed as uncool.

GUS GUS

"I know! We can call him Actavious, but for short we'll call him Gus." I love Disney's Cinderella. It is my favorite. I have worn out the movie, and we never bought a new one...Until now! My mom got the new limited time DVD, and I love it. Most movies I liked when I was younger and watch now, I think they are stupid. But this movie is funnier now, and it's still my favorite!!!! Gus Gus by far is my favorite character ever!!!! But I don't think I will be collecting memorabilia anytime soon. Favorite parts...

Salacadula Mencha kabulka roo.... Bippity Boppity Boo!!

(the mice make her a dress and say, "surprise!!!" and gus gus says, "da duh HAPPY BIRTHDAY!")

Every part with Gus Gus in it.

Whoa...when all the girls in the room are coming up to the Prince, The Prince goes up to Cinderella....that is being pursued.


A dream is a wish your heart makes.

If you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST.... Cinderella is a red head.

???????

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
am i the only one feeling flakey?
feelin' like i think too much?
one day crazy, drank too much coffee,
the next; confused, what are we here for?
i buy "designer love and empty things"
i ache for truth, real raw reality
but i'd rather sit
where tangled stuffed up thoughts
accomplish nothing

Music Speaks

Music speaks to me. My heart swells, feels like it's gonna burst. I've come to believe I am not alone in this, you can see it the people at a concert or in worship at church. I love personal lyrics when you relate to the song, and you think they are explaining your soul. Most times it's hard for me to explain or even know for sure what I am feeling, then you hear it in a song; awwhh, you feel at peace, like you are not alone in what you feel. I get in these ruts of certain singers or style of music. I am pretty much open to anything (except country; absolute NO) but I love music. Here is some of the lines speaking to me now...

"And it's hard to lead the life you choose,
All I wanted
When all your lucks run out on you.
All I wanted
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true.
Oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah.
And you choke on the regret, yeah.
Who did I think I was?"

This one is goo goo dolls Sympathy, I love the line in bold. It's hard for me to dream sometimes, or at least remember them. It seems like it's easy to go with the flow and do what is expected and normal instead of some of the wild and bold things I have dreamt of doing. I don't want to live in regret, I want to live in the now and in God's awesome gift of faith He's given us to jump in and do crazy things for the Kingdom!

"far better is to be with You even for a day
than to live, a thousand years, and to never see one glimpse of your face.
As for me, I want to be close to you."

The desperation band is one of my favs. I am a little obsessed with all their songs (except where that one guy sings kinda funny) but this one seems self explanatory. I sometimes feel like I lived a thousand years without the Lord, and I don't want that again for anything. His love is SO much more fulfilling and amazing than anything else I've ever tried. I am so in love.

Well, you win, it's your show now
So what's it gonna be
Cause people will tune in
How many train wrecks do we need to see
Before we lose touch of
We thought this was low
Well, it's bad, getting worse so
Where'd all the good people go

They got this and that
With a rattle'l'tat
Testin, 1, 2
Man, what you gonna do
Bad news, misused
Got too much to lose
Gimme some truth
Now whose side are we on
Whatever you say, turn on the boobtube
I'm in the mood to obey
So lead me astray, and by the way now

Where'd all the good people go
I've been changing channels
I don't see them on the TV shows
Where'd all the good people go
We got heaps and heaps of what we sow

Sitting around, feeling far away
So far away, but I can feel the debris
Can you feel it
You interrupt me from a friendly conversation
To tell me how great it's all gonna be
You might notice some hesitation
Cause it's important to you, it's not important to me
But way down by the edge of your reason
Well, it's beginning the show

Station through station
Desensitizing the nation
Where'd all the people go
Going, going, gone

Ok, I have this obvious obsessive love affair with good 'ol Jack. He sings with all the things my over analytical mind wonders about, and I agree almost every time with the issues he chooses to emphasize. I think our society is so desensitized with the tragedies all over the world because of the television, and the words in bold describe exactly all the downfalls of our choices to idolize T.V. and the people who are on it. Things are getting worse,and the world is begging for some truth. I am changed by this song.

Ok, so now it's your turn. Tell me some of your favorites and why...

Better Days

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we can live
And something only you can give
And that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor Child who saved this world
And there's ten million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words and sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And that someone might stop this endless fight
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

by Goo Goo Dolls