It's really simple...Once you get it

What is that phrase supposed to mean anyway? Is that supposed to help my current situation in the lack of understanding I seem to experience when it comes to the study of life? Biology is apparently the study of life, living things. I hate it. I have never been so frustrated with something in my whole life. Even when you are in school and you say, "I hate this", it doesn't even compare with the negative emotion I feel toward biology.
So, it doesn't help when my teacher answers my repetitive questions along with the scrunched up confused look on my face with a..."It's really simple, once you understand it." Ya so I guess if I never understand it (which I DO NOT) then it is not simple (which is IS NOT).
I also see how I am completely an English girl, I even said in biology today, "if I were to compare grasping this concept like grasping something with my hands, I only have my pinky finger barely touching it." My lab partner said I should be a philosophy major. I would probably love philosophy then, as long as it has nothing to do with genetics, reproduction, photosenthesis...blah blah blah. I don't mind learning about things even if they are hard, but this is beyond the "hard" this is just completely in another language. If I were to read a sign in Hebrew I could probably understand that better than my biology book.
I am going to try my best though. I think I have come to accept that if I get a C it will be a miracle. If I get an F, well, I can say that I paid hundreds of dollars to learn that I will NEVER want to be anything that has to do with biology. I can also say I learned that if you don't get it, then it's not simple.

Desperation 500 times...

I love them. I think about them all the time. I talk to my friends about them. I often think, "That would be a good one!" Sometimes when I am frustrated I think I should make one. But most of the time I like to see other peoples'. I like when they are deep, and I like when they are funny. Can you guess what it is???

Process Cheese

I looked up process in the dictionary, there are four definitions, none of them makes any sense. So next on the list is process cheese: a cheese made by blending several lots of cheese. Needless to say, this doesn't help me. Except that I didn't know you can have "several lots" of something. I feel several lots of feelings.
Where do I begin? What do I say? How do I feel....
I sometimes feel so disconnected. I feel disconnected with myself, my friends, my family. I know I do it myself, I am afraid to feel. I think if I tell someone what I feel in my heart, even Jesus, my heart will crumble; or implode. There's always those imaginary lines (at least for me) where I can only go so far with someone, and then I can't share anymore. There is also those people who don't have the line, and they share everything. It's all out there, and usually I don't know what to say. I hate feeling awkward and uncomfortable. But most of all I hate being irrelevant. When your feelings are just out there, so vulnerable, and there is nothing to relate them to. Or even worse, they have not point. Why do I always think things have to be validated? The worst is comparison; I find myself comparing how I feel with others. For example, "what so & so's family is going through is much worse than me, so why do I feel so sad?" Then it seems good to be alone. Why do we insist on having "alone time"? I mean, is it really healthy? Sometimes I don't know. It seems when I am prompted the most to do this "alone time" it ends up making me feel crazy or feel like I am wasting time.
Que sera, sera. Oh, some day, this will all be gone, but until then, enjoy the process...Or the process cheese...Whatever your preference.

Background Music

I was walking across the UNO campus today (for the third time mind you), and the sunset made the clouds look gorgeous, soft billowing pink and burning fiery orange. The scene was just behind the ol' clock tower, and the air was crisp and cool. It was the perfect first day of Fall. It was about the time not many are still on campus, so it was just me walking with the One whom my souls loves. Do you ever have a snap shot moment in your day? I haven't had many lately, running from here to there, but today I had it.

When those picture perfect moments arrive, I pick my background music. It's like the part in the movie where it's a close up of the actor thinking about something critical, like this is the turning point, and they play the song that goes so well with what the actor must be thinking.
My background music for this evening was "Breakdown" by good ol' Jack.

I hope this old train breaks down

Then I could take a walk around

See what there is to see, Time is just a melody

With all the people in the street walking as fast as their feet

Can take them, I just roll through town

Though my windows got a veiw, well the fame I'm looking through

Seems to have no concern for now

So for now, I I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown

Well this engine screams out loud, centipede going to crawl westbound

So I don’t even make a sound cause it’s going to sting me when I leave this town

And all the people in the street that I’ll never get to meet

If these tracks don’t bend somehow

And I got no time that I got to get to where I don’t need to be

So I I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown

I want to break on down But I can’t stop now

Let me break on down

But you can’t stop nothing if you got no control

Of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know

That you don’t know nothing but you don’t need to know

The wisdom’s in the trees not the glass windows

You can’t stop wishing if you don’t let go

Of the things that you find and you lose and you know

You keep on rolling, put the moment on hold

Because the frame’s too bright, so put the blinds down low

I need this here old train to breakdown

Oh please just let me please just breakdown

I got to break on down But I can't stop now

I definately relate to this song. I know it is what I need. I have so many things trapped inside me, I feel like I am pushing, stuffing, holding it all in. It might break, it might fall, but I don't know how to let it go. I don't want to be so concentrated on the facts or the essentials that I miss the full experience of this moment. I need to give it up, I need to process, not just acknowledge things. I don't even know how to 'process', (what exactly is the definition of that word anyway?) "Oh please just let me please breakdown!"

Thank YOU :)

Thank You for your undeserved favor in my life.

Thank You for your never ending, never failing, never forsaking love. You can move me.

Thank You for your faithfulness to your promise that you will hear us.

Thank You that my dad is getting better and you are continuing to heal him.

Thank You for giving me grace for school.

Thank You for changing my life; for calling me out of the pit of emptiness.

Thank You for your kind words to me. "everything is gonna be OK."

Thank You that I can know you and you know me, and I can know what it means to be in love.

Thank You for understanding me.

Thank You for all the hidden blessings I take for granit.

Thank You for the most amazing friends in the world!

iSoy Nica y Que!

Just returned from Nicaragua. I of course loved it. I loved every part (well I won't exaggerate too much, I didn't exactly love to shovel dirt...) I loved seeing the church down there and my Nica family. I was so encouraged by going. God is on the move all over the world. People are being healed, people are being set free in His name, people are falling more in love with the Bridegroom. It is amazing to see it, and I am so thankful and honored to be a part of His plan for these precious Nicas.
It's a land that is full of life. You can see it in the landscape. Lush green big jungles that go on for miles, smoky, tall volcanoes, and blue (some black) lakes that go on for miles where you swear it is really the ocean. The people are full of energy always walking, riding bikes and horses, always greeting, "Adio" or "Buena". I miss it already. I am changed by living there, I am changed by going there even for 9 days. It doesn't make sense to me how a place so different can seem so familiar, but Nicaragua will always be home to me.

Wilderness Prayer

Oh Jesus, my Jesus,
True Friend of my heart, true Lover of my soul,
My heart is hurting, my soul is aching.
All that I have ever been,
All of my "beauties" falling, falling to the ground.
The goodnesses, the righteousness,
The good intentions and "right" motives,
Dropping layer by layer...
Leaving behind one that I do not even know or recognize...
The Lover of my love strips me
And as the hidden things are uncovered
And the exterior beauties taken,
I am not what I thought I was.
I know it is by Your hand that I am stripped.
Though it hurts immensely,
I recognize it as a Love deeper than my heart has ever known
Taking away that will not stand
That He might crown me with His true beauty
And clothe me in His robes.
Truly, I am not the one that I thought myself to be.
They ask me "then who is the one who comes?"
I look only to Your eyes and say,
"She is nothing but what He alone speaks her into being.
His words alone hold in the essence of who she is. She is His.
Do not look upon me, for I am dark.
Please see only Him, He is beautiful. He is the pure."

-Dana Candler

Nabalus- city of the terrorist

"You have heard it said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy,' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:44-48

"Wow, That's Random!?"

I am random. I am an all over the place kind of thinker, talker, and doer. I have known this for a while, mostly because all my friends tell me the title quoted at the top of this blog. I just thought I would share some of my random thoughts for the day...
-why can't I think of any random thoughts while I am writing this?
-why do people settle for less than their best?
-why do kids say the darndest things?
-is it ok to smile at people? I mean most look at you weird. I like to make up things they are thinking.
-what the heck, why do nebraska driver (Yes ONLY NEBRASKA) speed up when you turn on your blinker?
-I want to go biking, no it will take to long. Ok I want to go rollarblade, no it will also take to long, how about run. no I'll just sleep.
-why do people give $5 tips when then next person wants their nickel back?
-Is it ever OK to say what you are REALLY thinking?
-I want to go to a different country, or state .... oh wait I'm in school now!
I mean these aren't' that random maybe, but just try having a conversation with me sometime, it's random. And by the way, do you ever wonder what it would be like to be a marine biologist? I used to want to be one, except now that I had my first biology class, I am thinking, that is a good thing I didn't decide that profession....

LoVeSiCk

"Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come along-- Arise my darling, my beautiful one and come along."
any time the Lord has to repeat something, IT MUST BE IMPORTANT TO HIM! The God of the cosmos, who created you and me, He beckons us to come along with Him.

"For I am lovesick."
Whoa, what an amazing quote, to be sick with heart felt desire for someone. Have you ever been sick with love for someone, ever been sickened by strong emotion? Where you can't move because your body aches in needing that person; to be with, know better, or just to be in their presence. That is how Jesus feels about His bride. That is how we can feel about our Bridegroom Jesus.

"What kind of beloved is your Beloved? My Beloved is dazzling...outstanding among 10,000."
The world asks, "what kind of God allows...?" I answer, "my Beloved is dazzling, He burns with fire, a passionate blazing heart for our souls to know true intimacy. He is my Father who fulfills me and speaks kind words to me. He is dedicated to me, with His life. He knows everything about my heart, yet He is jealous for me to be completely His. He is pure, holy, compassionate, giving, intimate, tender...Outstanding among 10,000 other gods. He is the ONE I've waited for my whole life.

"And He is wholly desirable."

"I am my Beloveds and He is mine."

"Put me like a like a seal on your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death. "

"I AM MY BELOVEDS AND HIS DESIRE IS FOR ME!!!!"

Not a Writer

I am not a writer... Or so I always have thought. I pretty much just stumbled into having this thing because Stephanie won't let an anonymous person comment. I've always had a hard time writing. But maybe this will help, get the creative juices flowing!
I am starting school next week. Freshman at 23. It is no big deal to start late, I just think it is funny since all my friends are graduated or seniors. I am so excited because God has led me here. I completely thought I would never go to college, "God doesn't need a degree to use me!" Oh, the cynical anne used to think. But He is so faithful and has changed my heart to see that I want to learn, I want to be used to spread the love of Jesus to college students AND educate my brain. So anyway...School is exciting, and I am looking forward for God to do more than I can ever ask for or imagine!